OH SHI- 02: Changing Your Personal Reality – Part 2

The purpose of the Overly Helpful Self Help Initiative (OH SHI) series is to help individuals discover their inner selves and spark a new sense of purpose in life. The articles posted here are not written by Marvs, and the author's name and contact will be indicated in the article.

By Craig Harper

Time to Make Waves

In part one of this post we discussed the tendency some of us have to allow situations, circumstances, events and even other people to control our lives.

In essence, this amounts to giving away our power in an attempt to be accepted, valued, appreciated and loved. By trying to "fit in and not make waves" (as someone shared with me recently) it seems that some of us have lost our identity and sense of self.

The good news is that we can take back control of our life and still be that kind, generous and thoughtful person - who also happens to be strong, confident, assertive, productive, successful and powerful. And no, we don't need to compromise our beliefs, goals, character or core values to do so. In fact, taking back our power can be the most important step towards living a life of true purpose, alignment (with our core values), integrity and joy.

While the following strategies are very effective, they are not always comfortable or easy to implement, so it's a good thing that you and I are all about doing what works - not what's easy! Not every point will be relevant for every person, so see what resonates for you. Also be warned that I may be a little... er... blunt in places (surprising I know), so if you're feeling a bit presh you may wanna read from behind a cushion (like in a scary movie).

Enjoy.

1. Stop looking for easy and start "doing" effective.

All too often our desire to live a comfortable, painless, easy and safe existence (all things driven by fear) is the very thing that kills our potential, our productivity, our ability to develop and ultimately, our spirit.

It is no coincidence that we (the society) have both (1) a widespread aversion to anything that makes us uncomfortable and (2) a high percentage of people who regularly feel frustrated, unfulfilled, lost and miserable. Ironically, it is our aversion to working against resistance that stops us from growing, learning, evolving and adapting. Sometimes (in the moment) we believe it's simply easier to just "fit in", to compromise and to bite our tongue. While this is understandable on occasion, over the long term this kind of behaviour and thinking will set us up for unhealthy relationships, stagnation, disconnection, frustration, desperation and misery.

In order to take back your power you will need to be courageous (that's a choice by the way), you will need to be prepared to get uncomfortable (that's where you learn, grow and adapt) and you will need to do things that may piss other people off - perhaps the ones who previously pulled your strings for their own gain.

2. Face your fears.

You can never take back your power until you confront the things that scare you. By the way, being fearful does not represent weakness but rather humanity.

"Show me the person who fears nothing and I'll show you an idiot."

[There's also an argument that the person who fears nothing might also be the person who has reached enlightenment... but that's a discussion for another day.]

If things only have the power and influence that we assign them (and they do), then fear is something we can control and use for our own personal development. For the most part fear is a completely personal thing. It's not about the situation, circumstance or environment but rather US in it; how we react to, process, cope with and interpret the events in our world. That's why we can see two people doing the exact same thing at the same time (a bungee jump for example); one is excited and having a great time, while the other is terrified and having the worst time ever.

It ain't about the jump; it's about the jumper. Keeping in mind that each jumper creates his or her own reality. Of course there are healthy fears - not wanting to swim with a shark for example - but what we're talking about here are those destructive and unhealthy fears that have been known to make people prisoners of their own mind. For a lifetime.

3. When nice isn't. (Nice)

Seek to be strong, not nice. Too many nice people get chewed up and spat out because all they have is a bunch of "nice-ness" and zero personal power. Sometimes nice-ness is actually a euphemism for weakness and far too often our need to be seen as the "nice person" (oh, please!) is what brings us undone.

Endeavouring to keep everyone in your world happy is an exercise in futility, frustration and exhaustion. And stupidity. In short, it can't be done. It's not your job to "make" people happy; it's your job to be you. And not the "you" that people want you to be, but rather, your authentic self. The one who has clarity, certainty, contentment and calm about who and what they are.

And no, being you does not mean being selfish.

4. Stop being a victim.

The world isn't fair. The majority don't care about you or your issues. Shit happens. Bad things happen to good people. And lots of people are selfish and nasty.

There; we've cleared that up. Now, stop seeking pity, attention and sympathy and get on with it. Stop having the same pointless discussions about the same issues, stop waiting to be "saved" and stop giving away your power. You don't need universal approval, acceptance or endorsement, you need a different attitude.

5. Win respect through your actions.

Talk less, do more. What you do will tell the rest of us far more about who you are than any words that might come out of your mouth. Words are cheap and often meaningless. Most big talkers are just that. And nothing more.

6. Keep re-inventing yourself.

Being stagnant and inflexible in a dynamic world is a sure-fire way to become redundant, unnecessary and powerless. While your core values, beliefs and standards might remain constant, it is important that you continue to adapt, learn, grow and develop with your ever-changing world.

7. Value yourself.

Stop treating others as though they are of greater worth than you. Nobody is more important than anyone else. And nobody is more important than you.

Nobody.

This is not about having a massive ego or being self-righteous; it's about stopping all the self-sabotage. You know what I mean. It's about not rationalising mediocrity and failure any more. It's about changing your standards and your thinking. It's about not letting your poor self-esteem get in the way of your potential and your possibilities. It's about not letting your past become your future.

In case you don't know or you haven't been told, I will tell you now; you are worthy, you are talented, you are good enough and you are powerful. More than you know. If you don't believe those words then you don't value yourself as you should.

*By the way, power and humility can go comfortably hand in hand.

8. Fiercely protect your brand.

Don't associate with people, organisations, situations or products that will damage your reputation. In the professional world (where many of us spend a great deal of our lives) your brand is your power. The stronger your brand, the more power you have (in that world).

Prospective employers, potential business associates and customers will all "buy what you're selling" based largely (if not solely) on their perception of you; your product, your service, your ability, your skill, your integrity and your value to them.

The Last Bit

I know that in my last post I said I'd be sharing ten strategies but I ended up amalgamating some of the points, so that's why we've ended up with eight. I'm not short-changing you... honest!

Hope this article has been of some value to you.

OH SHI- 01: Changing Your Personal Reality – Part 1

This is the first part of the Overly Helpful Self Help Initiative (OH SHI) series. The purpose of the OH SHI- series is to help individuals discover their inner selves and spark a new sense of purpose in life. The articles posted here are not written by Marvs, and the author's name and contact will be indicated in the article.

By Craig Harper

The subject of "Personal Reality" might seem somewhat esoteric, philosophical and even confusing to some.

But it's something that's not only relevant to every one of us, but also something that impacts on virtually every area of our existence and human experience in a tangible and practical manner. All the time. Just as we each have different DNA, so too do we each inhabit our own "personal" reality. That is, the way we experience our world.

Notice I say "our world" because the world and our world are two very different places. For the most part, one is absolute (forgetting that whole global warming thing for a moment) and the other is in a constant state of flux and transition; often changing drastically in a matter of minutes. You and I both know people who exist side by side with someone else (often in the same house), yet each of those people live in a total different reality.

You may well be that people. Er, person. Why? Because physical environment (for the most part) doesn't determine reality, we do. We make things good or bad. Hard or easy. A lesson or a failure. An opportunity or a problem.

A Universal Reality?

How you and I will experience things is determined by each of us individually, not by what "appears" to be going on to the rest of the world.

There is no universal reality because every moment of every day you and I are interpreting, processing and reacting individually to a non-stop stream of information and stimuli from our physical world; the place we inhabit. Not to be confused with the place we live; our head. It could be suggested that the majority of our living (how we each experience life) is actually a cerebral, emotional and spiritual experience, not a physical one.

Some people work very hard to make their life all about the physical; which invariably leads to misery (another exploration for down the track).

We Create Hard. And Easy.

Yes, there are universal situations, circumstances and events but there is no universal reality because things only have the meaning that we give them. Just as things only have the power (influence, control) in our lives that we allow them to have. Which also means that there are no "difficult" situations (for example); only different situations to which we each react individually. Some well, others not.

Difficulty is a human construct; a label that you and I each assign to the various happenings in our world. Despite what most of us believe, there is no universal "hard" or "easy"; only our personal interpretations of, and reactions to, what goes on in our day-to-day practical lives.

Where we Live

By "living in our head" I mean that our experience of the world - that is, how we see various situations, circumstances and events, how we allow those things to affect us, what they mean to us and how we react to it all - is individual, unique and self-determined.

Which is why we can see two people going through what appears to be the same experience at the same time (some might erroneously say, the same reality) - a very similar court case for example - yet they are both impacted in totally different ways. One learns a valuable life-lesson, grows emotionally, becomes more aware, compassionate and enlightened, while the other suffers from extreme physical, emotional and psychological stress - all self-created by the way (situations don't create stress, people do) - loses confidence, becomes angry and bitter and slides into a depressive state for a period of time.

Why? Because the two individuals weren't actually going through the same "experience" at all; they were each creating their own experience. One positive. One negative.

The Puppet

Until we acknowledge that we each have the power to determine our own reality and create our own experiences, we will continue to be a puppet having our strings pulled by situations, events, circumstances and other people. We will continue to be the Reactor and not the Creator.

Step one on the path to enlightenment, consciousness and lasting change (from the inside out) is to acknowledge that we can control our own destiny, we can each create our own reality, our world is not "the" world and our history will only become our future if we allow that to happen. Step two (in the Harper book of life-philosophy) is to understand that good or bad, hard or easy, happiness or misery are all choices - and to then live accordingly.

And remember; by not making a decision, you are making a decision. Be mindful that the decisions you don't make will have just as much impact on your personal reality as the decisions you do make. One way or the other.

So don't delude yourself. If you have the ability to think, reason and choose, then you have the ability to change your personal reality for the better. If you consistently choose to not take action, to not use your potential and to not take back the power you've given away, then you vicariously choose mediocrity and misery and have nobody to blame but yourself. Subscribing to the "things will work themselves out" philosophy is ignorant, naive, apathetic and shows a distinct lack of courage.

You are the author of your life. Start writing.

But What About My Sick Aunty?

Okay, I can hear some of you saying "but what about people who are diagnosed with cancer; surely their reality is decided for them?"

And I would reply, is their disease their reality? Does it define them? Determine them? Is their reality determined by what's happening to their (temporary) house?

Is it possible for a terminally ill person to experience joy, pleasure, connection, fulfillment and happiness? A personal reality of calm and contentment perhaps? Of course it is. One of life's great curiosities is that we often see terminally ill people who are much happier (happiness being the one universal goal) than their healthy counterparts.

Why? Because they have let go of that which made them unhappy; fear, insecurity, greed, anger, bitterness... ego; the destructive crap.

They have created a new reality to inhabit. A much better one. While they will deal with the disease in a practical and intelligent manner, they will also have an ever-present awareness that they are not their body or their disease, therefore they do not need to be miserable. And yes, I know that this paradigm messes with our very Western thinking but that is our loss - and another example of logic and science getting in the way of potential. Cultures much more evolved than ours have understood and embraced this wisdom forever.

One Doesn't (need to) Equal the Other

In truth, the absence of physical disease doesn't necessarily equate to happiness or success (we see evidence of this every day), just as the presence of disease doesn't necessarily equate to misery or catastrophe. So while cancer may affect my body, there is no need for it to determine my reality. I will choose my reality, my reality will not choose me.

A disease is not me and I am not it. Just as the chair that I currently sit on is not me, neither are cancerous cells that might inhabit my body, me. While others may rationalise misery and catastrophe, I will choose happiness and calm. Because I have that option. Because my reality is my choice.

As is yours.